Zeltor

Well I got into my first accident ever and it wasn't my fault. A lady veered into me and hit my little red truck. It'll probably be totaled... Though it has served my family well! This will perhaps be good fortune in disguise as being the owner of the truck I get all the money for it. Which means I may be getting a newer, more stylish ride. I'm ready for things to continue moving in the progress direction.

I only owe NIC $400 dollars now. One more paycheck should knock them out of the park!

I'm looking for someone...

With the challenge completed and finding myself on the other side of grief and such. I seem to have hit the "Go Back To Start" square. My little personal debts to [$300] and NIC [$826] and Hayden Lake Automotive repair [$328.02] and my dad [$150] are all dwindling away. So I'm headed for 0 again. Though I seem to be better off than when we last met each other. Now I find myself searching for my place, and for the dream that escaped me.

I wish I knew what to do next... "Lose A Turn."

Even now, after all the time that's past, I still hurt. It doesn't make sense...

Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong era...

For those of you who know me, I've been dealing with a pretty big event in my personal life over the past 6 months. It's been chaos. It's rocked me all the way down to my core values and the understandings of who I am. I've never lost a friend like this before, especially when this friend was the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. But that's all in the past now, it isn't the way things were meant to be. So basically I've been putting around these past months trying to figure out what went wrong, how I could fix it, worrying about her and trying to find an answer/truth in all this chaos. Well I was making progress via baby steps when finally I had a dream...

It started out like it was a memory. I was standing with Amanda talking, yet I couldn't hear anything. Her face was bright and happy like how it was most of the time when I was around. Then without warning her face turned sour and began to fill with rage. She starting screaming at me and turning red. It wasn't long before she reeled her arm back and punched me right across the jaw. There was a loud crack sound. It was the most painful and strongest punch I had ever felt, and I went flying backwards into a brick wall. I smashed into it with such a force that it caused part of it to crumble and me along with it. Amanda walked up and looked down at me with scorn. Blood was flowing from my nose and mouth and I was choking on it coughing heavily. She stood over me and laughed. She just laughed. I looked so helpless, so weak. As she laughed, I felt a burning sensation in my heart and a small flame erupted from where my heart is. The flames scorched the flesh and cloth in the shape of a broken heart. Amanda smiled malevolently and walked away laughing. My eyes closed in tears and I passed out.

When I awoke I found that everything was in black and white. People were a hustle and a bustle around me. They looked like black blurs. No one seemed to notice me. There were so many people all coming and going. I tried to stand up but I slipped on the pool of blood and my head hit the concrete. There was a loud sound, like thousands of people all talking at once about completely different things. It was maddening. I scrambled to my feet and spat up some more blood. I felt pale, yet I had to escape the noise. I began to run as fast as I could. As I ran, the sound grew and grew. It was deafeningly loud. I closed my eyes and covered my ears trying to blot out the noise. I could get away until finally I fell to my knees and screamed like nothing I had ever heard before.

It all stopped. Everything. I took my hands from my ears and opened my eyes. Everyone was gone. In fact, everything was gone. There were no buildings, no roads, no people, just these dark cones of light coming down from what looked like a rapidly moving cloud front at twilight. I strained my eyes toward the nearest one to discover, much to my surprise, a person standing in that dark light. I walked toward it cautiously and as I drew closer the darkness began shifting to light and I could make out it was a girl standing in the light. I approached her and then I realized it was Natalie, my old friend. She smiled at me and placed a gentle hand on my cheek. She took a step closer and saw the state I was in. She was shocked and then saddened when her eyes saw the mark on my chest. A few tears came to her eyes. 'She was crying…crying for me?' I thought, 'She's crying because I got hurt.' She drew me into a tight hug. A breeze picked up and all the blood seemed to blow away with it.

"Wha-what happened? What did she do to you?" Natalie asked me quite concerned.

"She…broke my heart," I responded quietly. Natalie's embrace grew tighter, but somehow it was more comfortable this way. I hadn't been hugged like that in a long time.

We just stood a moment, as she held me, until she spoke again a hint of anger in her voice, "You didn't deserve that. I'm not the only one who thinks so either."

"What do yo-" I began to say, but my attention was drawn to the other cones of anti-light. They began to shimmer and familiar faces stepped out into the light: Dannea, Amanda Ivankovich, Sarah Prince, Danyelle, Betsy just to name a few. They all looked exactly as I remembered them from back then. They came up and all kept saying such nice things to me: "Lucas, we love you!"; "You're such a great friend!"; "I know that I can always count on you."; "You make me feel safe."; "Your hugs are so warm…" It felt good to hear those things again. The girls then smiled and faded on the wind leaving only one, Caroline.

"Caroline…" I said quietly to myself as she walked up to me.  Her hair was like rays of sunshine, her eyes a like blue to mine. A gentle face so thoughtful, so kind, and so extraordinarily beautiful. She reached out and laid my head on her shoulder and ran her fingers through my hair.

"It's alright Lucas…" she said her voice quiet and gentle, and so full of love, "There is still so much love in your heart. She hasn't taken that from you."

"I lost my way…" I said apologetically a few tears rolling down my cheeks, "I didn't know which way to go."

"But then you found it again," Caroline said raising my head and wiping off the tears, "She's not so far away. Don't worry. She'll come to you. See?" Caroline pointed to a girl who was a ways off. Her back was to me and she had her hand above her eyes like she was looking for someone. "She's looking for you," Caroline said fading away, "I will stay with you until the end…don't be afraid." The girl then turned and her face lit up. The burn mark on my chest faded away. I could tell she was smiling, smiling because I was happy and that made her happy.
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It all made me think of my new motto, "Amor Eternus Sto In Lux Lucius," which means "Eternal Love Stands In The Light."

It's so strange I only knew Caroline for a few hours that day, yet she has been so integral a part of me. Can you just imagine what if you influenced someone like that? They met you and knew you for less than a day and yet forever on, you are still an integral part of who they are. When I used to write, which I'm thinking of trying again, the metaphor of me, Zeltor Daeon, has always had a close association with a same named character, Caroline, based on my memory/image of her. She comes to me in some of my dreams. Her memory comes back to me more often than any other. She will never be forgotten. I wonder what she would do if she knew? I wonder what she's doing now. Does she remember me? She'll probably never know how much she's influenced my life, and I will most likely never see her again, or if I do I won't recognize her unless she remembers too. I think you should never say goodbye. One day you will see the people you care about again even if they are so far away.

This dream woke me up. It woke me up from this unending nightmare. It really showed me that it's all right. I had forgotten that I must continue to go forward. This is my story and there is still so much of it to live!